| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|02:13 pm] |
I don't know why I'm writing this here, but I need to fucking write it somewhere.
Yesterday was one of the weirdest days I've ever had.
The night before last, I thought it would be neat to take half a sleeping pill. I slept for 11 hours and woke up at 5 pm.
Got on facebook.
Tank wrote me. "Did you hear about Varm?"
My heart sank.
I don't even want to get into that.
My mind was reeling. I needed to go out and drink.
My pool instructor buddy picked me up, and we headed to Art of Billiards.
An hour into playing, I got up to use the restroom. There wasn't any toilet paper.
My buddy went up to the bar, told the bartender the situation in the most cordial way possible.
She looked dead in the eye and said, "Well, you can just wipe with your hands." I walked away to keep myself from PUNCHING HER IN THE TITS. It was so unprovoked. We left immediately afterward. I'm never going back there again.
We went to Main Street to play some piss-poor pool, but mostly to get drunk.
When the bar closed, we decided to do an after-party and get drunk some more.
Not too long after we left, I saw a bush in the road.
"Oh shit."
Right behind the bush, I saw a busted motorcycle.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit."
And then we saw the guy in the grass.
Fuck. My driver was wasted. He pulled over anyways. I called the cops and handed my friend some gum to hide the alcohol on his breath.
My teeth were chattering. I tried my best to sound sober.
I walked over to the guy. He couldn't move his legs. Bones were sticking up through his feet.
"I'M SO FUCKED!" he yelled. "I LOST MY JOB, I LOST EVERYTHING."
His pupils were different sizes.
I sat down right in front of him. "Hey, I'm Drey. Um, the paramedics are on their way."
The cops came soon after that. They tried to shoo me away but I stayed just long enough to get his name.
When I got home, I called the hospital.
"Sorry ma'am, but the only thing we can tell you is one word, and that's the condition he's in."
"Okay, let's have it."
"Serious."
It was so dumb. I couldn't even try and visit the guy.
I am really starting to kick myself in the ass about not flying home this winter. |
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| Here are some sex toys. |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|08:23 pm] |
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Hey, do octopuses turn you on? Well, as we all know, it's fairly difficult to get any cephalopod into bed with you, but with this dildo, you can have one eighth of the experience!  Guess where I got this image from. Tentacle dildos (Did I pluralize that properly?) are pretty strange, but not even close to the strangest dildos you can obtain. Let's explore, shall we? If you're into the whole aquatic sex toy genre, but want something a little more phallic than a tentacle, why not shove a scaled down replica of a whale penis into your love hole?
Not exactly shaped correctly for the human female's anatomy.
Not a fan of dildos that are modeled after real creatures? How about a dragon penis dildo? If that's too much for you to handle, there's always a dragon tongue, uh, dildo. Keep in mind, these are what dragon dongs and tongues look like in the mind of a sex-toy modeler.
My childhood is ruined.
Found in the same sex toy shop are water horse penises. Wait, what the fuck are water horses?  I don't know, but they sure are pretty.
I don't see what the appeal of nipple clamps are. But I guess if you're really pissed off at your tits, you can use nipple clamps that will actually ELECTROCUTE YOU. 
They look like jumper cables for those toy RC cars. Or, for your tits.
If you're anything like me, you enjoy putting Christian artifacts up your butt (it keeps the Devil away.) Of course, a full size Jesus would stretch out your rectum to hilarious proportions, so here is a butt plug modeled after the aptly sized baby Jesus. 
Awwwwww!
Of course, there are strange toys tailored for the straight man's needs. For instance, if you like to have sex with women, but don't feel like dealing with those pesky torsos, limbs, or personalities, this might be the best toy for you: 
I like how there's a penis tip at the top. It makes it more realistic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|10:54 am] |
My scope of knowledge on politics is so limited that the first time I really felt adoration for our President is when Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass."
I think it's pretty neat, though - having a black dude leading the country. Mostly because of how enraged the rednecks get about it. And they don't ever say that they don't like him because of his hilarious name, or because he's from Hawaii (ew) or the fact that he's, you know...a NEGRO. No. They don't like him because McCain was obviously the better choice.
"Why?"
"I DUNNO, I JUS LAIK 'EEM BETTR. HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK."
God am I glad to be out of Pensacola.
But I got to meet an undercover redneck here in Gainesville. See, in this town, the reddies try and hide their accents and ridiculous old-fashioned folkways for fear of being ostracized by the hipsters, hippies, Gator-fans, or anyone else who think that hillbillies are a source of great hilarity. They leave their cowboy boots at home and try to fit in with the rest of the Gainesville world. But every once in a while, you'll get them to slip.
I'm in this American Government class, right? (I have to take it for my Telecommunications BA because, apparently, a degree in Telecommunications is pretty much interchangeable with an Associate's Degree in POLITICS. Seriously, I had to take two semesters of American History and a class in Comparative Politics. To meet my core requirements. Fucking ridiculous.) And in the middle of a class discussion, the topic switches to the hot topic of health care reform. So this girl to the left of me offers her insightful opinion:
"I hate Obama and his stupid health care policies. We're not communist! Health insurance should be available to those of us that WORK FUR ET."
See how I did that there? Her drawl slipped out while she tried to emphasize her point. The whole class, including the professor, fell into a hush as their brains slowly dribbled out of their noses.
I wish I could have told her that some of us DO work for it. That some of us have pre-existing conditions that cause the rates to sky-rocket. And that some of us even tried to hide our pre-existing conditions from the insurance companies. And that many of us pay so much health insurance that oddly enough, we can't afford our X-Rays, hospital stays, specialist visits, or medications, many of which still aren't covered by insurance. But talking to someone who doesn't understand the difference between communism and socialized health care is pretty much a worthless cause.
I lost my health insurance last week.
But it's okay, I got into my dream school. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2009|05:12 pm] |
Mushrooms + LSD + Sock Puppets = A good stay at home date.
It's too bad the glue was garbage. It would not keep anything stuck to the socks.
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| I don't like sports. |
[Aug. 29th, 2009|02:47 am] |
I was a fat, awkward kid with braces and acne.
I didn't like sports.
I tried, I really did. Mostly to please my dad and my peers.
My dad liked sports a whole lot. He was old and anti-social so he didn't play them. But every once in a while he would yell at the TV when "the game" was on.
It sucks to constantly get picked last when choosing teams. It sucks to know you're physically inept, even as a kid.
I didn't play football. I played the piano. So my parents didn't totally hate me. It's hard to hate your kid if she plays an instrument. Somehow, listening to an 7 year old child clumsily pluck out "Fur Elise" gives parents a tiny sense of fulfillment. "Yep," they think, "I raised my kid right," even though they're sending their kid off to someone else for music lessons.
My hips and ankles always "clicked," and not in that annoying way that the annoying kid who sits behind you cracks every joints in his body to either gross you out or impress you. They clicked unintentionally, and it was usually painful. Aside from that, I was always tired and always out of breath. I later found out that this was probably my rheumatoid kicking in early. But I can't blame it on that. I never pushed myself with athletics because, well, I was fucking lazy.
So maybe I'm still bitter at the world of sports, even though I'm probably skinnier and in better shape than most of the kids I went to school with now. Take that, childhood. I work out whenever I feel like it (usually when I feel fat), not when some fat guy with a clipboard and a whistle yells at me to. I don't get graded on my activity. And most of all, I stay fit without ever playing on a team.
"Aw, bro! What an asshole!"
Let me clarify - I don't hate people who play on team sports. I don't. I hate people who go to sports games and jump up and scream at the players, as if they could hear anyone in the stadium's advice. Even if the people on the field could hear you, it's not like they would take advice from some drunk guy with a sports jersey barely covering his potbelly, screaming at them to "GO FASTER! WOOOO!" I hate people who live in a city and mock other people not from their city because "his" team won. It's not YOUR team unless you're involved with the team. I hate people that actually believe in team rivalry. Are you kidding me?
And I hate girls who try to pretend that they're awesome girlfriends because they like sports so much. There are some real female sports-fans (i.e., lesbians), but the fakes outnumber them.
"Maybe if I lean forward and pretend I'm concerned about the game, people will realize what a cool girl I am."
You know, the ones who ONLY watch sports events with the dude they're trying to hustle a free dinner out of and repeat sports trivia that they briefly showed on ESPN while they were channel surfing. At least they have the dignity to not memorize player stats.
So, to summarize my point, here is a picture of girls in soccer uniforms kicking balls. Ha, ha.
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| Sex Advice |
[Aug. 10th, 2009|11:53 pm] |
This was a Myspace blog. I'm testing the waters for LJ. Tell me what you think.
So every once in a while I like to take a peek at the Cosmopolitan magazines they have at my local corporate store. You know, the brightly colored periodical with a picture of some heavily airbrushed white girl with feathered hair smiling next to cover articles like "SEX: HOW TO HAVE MORE OF IT" or "SEXY SUMMER OUTFITS TO GET YOU MORE SEX" or "SEXITY SEXITY SEX IN YOUR SEXING SEXHOLE."
Cosmo likes to publish articles about, well, sex. It's a popular topic, I know, but sex isn't really something that you can consistently write new information about every month. It doesn't advance like technology does. I mean, you can only come up with so many different sexual positions to stay current with the times - unless hovercrafts become commercially available, and you could do it doggy-style up against one of those. I guess.
This month, Cosmo finally realized that they were tired of recycling the same sex advice over and over so they put a piece in their magazine titled "The Same Sex Questions that our 17-Year Old Readers Send to Us Every Month and the Bullshit Answers that We Provide, Except We're Going to Answer Them in as Few Words as Possible Because Seriously, We've had it with You Morons." Actually it's called "100 Naughty Sex Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less)" but the titles are interchangeable. Whoever wrote this thing obviously already put her 2 weeks in. An example of one of the questions:
Q: DO ALL GUYS GO TO STRIP CLUBS
A: No
Jesus fucking Christ. How much statistical data did this journalist have to go through to arrive at this conclusion?
I've decided to apply for a job to Cosmo, as the Cheif Editor/Master Overlord of the publication. As part of my resume, I'm submitting this article using the same original questions:
Drey Answers Your Dumb Sex Questions in Ten Words or Less (Yeah, bitch. TEN.)
Q: My guy and I want to try anal. Any tips?
A: No. Gross.
Q: What's a really good song to have crazy sex to?
A: SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I HATE YOU.
Q: My jaw hurts after I give oral for several minutes. What will help?
A: Vicodin.
Q: What's the best food to bring into the bedroom?
A: Nothing, you fat fuck.
Q: What part of my guy's body should I touch while he's penetrating me?
A: ANYTHING.
Q: What should I do after I tie him up?
A: Grab his wallet and run.
Q: I'm short. My guy is tall. What's a good position for us?
A: Sex-with-a-short-guy style.
Q: Is there any way to tell if a guy has had sex recently?
A: Does his junk smell like vagina? If so, yes.
Q: My mouth gets dry when I give oral. What's a quick fix?
A: Oh gee, I dunno, how about WATER?
Q: Do guys like to have their butt played with?
A: The gay ones do.
Q: Even when I'm in a relationship, I masturbate daily. Why?
A: You're nailing an ugly dude.
Q: If I don’t want to kiss a guy immediately after he performs oral sex on me, what should I do?
A: Your poon is stank. Wash it. |
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| I'm back. |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|04:11 pm] |
YO YO YO, INTERNETS. I have decided to give up any hope of establishing a social-life, and instead return to the world of blogging, in the hopes that some rich guy will discover this blog and be so impressed by my revolutionary writing and nice hair that he will send me a million dollars for every post that I make. Don't shit on my dreams.
So I'm going to start posting here regularly again. You may now piss your pants.
Also I'm going to delete a bunch of entries I don't like, make a "Table of Contents" for entries that I do like, and maybe start giving Livejournal a small amount of money to give me a nice, big account. People on my friends list get to read my private entries where I talk about tampons, how cute my dogs are, and all my daddy issues.
"BUT WAIT. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU WROTE ANYTHING GOOD, I KIND OF FORGOT WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE."
Fair enough.
Drey. 21. From Guam. Live in Florida. Half Korean. Piercings. Tattoos. Piano. Guitar. Sociology degree. Two dogs. 9-ball. |
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| "Fat" is the new "Fuck." |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|04:08 am] |
So last weekend I go to the new gay club that opened up. I'm 10 seconds into my first Wild-Turkey-rocks when it just starts getting...fat. I mean, really fat. Flabby chicks everywhere, dude. I felt like what Kate Moss must feel like every day.
Why don't you just go fat yourself?
Did you see "Lady in the Water?" That movie was so fat I almost couldn't make it the whole way through the movie.
Watching him eat his meat and potatoes was a sexual experience on its own. I eagerly watched his fork greet his mouth with each bite of food. The over-cooked steak kissed his mouth over and over. But suddenly, my fixation with him was interrupted by a woman, sitting two tables behind him, fatting herself upon the feast she had ordered. "ARBBL GARRBL," she fatly mumbled into her roasted chicken leg. She ate with such zest, such veracity! Such a display of fat quickly turned my heated meal into a Discovery Channel documentary. It is hard for me to remember clearly if she was using utensils or her sausage-like fingers to fat herself upon her poultry dish. At that point, her fat ambition to shove food in her chasm of a mouth was all my mind could wrap around that moment. "ARRBL GARRBL," and the chicken leg was a fossil, picked dry. "ARRBL GARRBL," and her side dish of mashed potatoes had sunk to the depths of her bottomless intestines. By now, the once captivating man sitting across from me had become practically nonexistent. My focus was on this woman - and her insatiable need to fat. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|01:52 am] |
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Rape. |
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| Requiem of a Grizzly Bear |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|05:11 pm] |
You are a big animal
They make stuffed toys out of you
Bears are really awesome
They like to eat honey
Chorus:
Grizzly bears
Big black bears
Polar bears
ROAR!
Polar bears are white
They drank Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is a tasty beverage
It goes well with most liquors
Grizzly Bears
Big Black bears
Polar Bears
ROAR!!!
One time I was hiking with Matt and once we got to this lake, he saw a bear off in the distance and he was all, "Yikes! A b-b-b-bear!" and took off like the wind, boy howdy. But then it turned out that it wasn't a bear, it was just the light hitting the trees at a weird angle. It was pretty hilarious at the time, but then he became a heavy alcoholic and started beating his wife
Everybody now!
Grizzly Bears!
Big Black Bears!
Polar Bears!
ROAR
Great! Now just the bears!
ARARRGGKGHAA
RROROFFAGGGHAKA
AAAFKSAASKFGKA
RAKGFKJAGGAAAGGA |
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| Entry #51319 about insomnia |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|06:07 am] |
It's so cold I can see my breath outside! What I like to do is pretend I'm smoking a cigarette when I'm really not, and then I like the pretend that I'm not actually addicted to cigarettes.
Speaking of AIDS, I finally got suckered into World of Warcraft. SHUT UP. FUCK ALL OF YOU. |
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| Things I've learned thus far. |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|11:25 pm] |
1. People that drive really fast all the time are trying to impress somebody.
2. Smoking is only cool when you are 16. When you're younger, it looks dumb, and when you're older, you're already addicted.
3. There is nothing in your social life that is as unimportant as high school. Popularity? Not going to matter, ever. Your bimbo girlfriend? Like you're going to marry her. Prom Queen? Fuck you.
4. Kids that chug large amounts of alcohol in one sitting at parties are almost never the ones you want to party with. If you want to get shit-faced, get shit-faced. But if you're drinking to look cool, you deserve liver disease.
5. If your friend talks behind your back, sleeps with your boyfriend, steals from you, lies to you, or even hangs around people that have done you wrong - SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
6. People with thousands of friends on myspace typically have none in real life.
7. A million people liking or believing in one thing doesn't necessarily make it a good thing. This is true for everything from Catholicism to Nickelback.
8. Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes to be around the depressed person with problems. But plenty of people like to be that person.
9. Guys do not notice when girls "do" their hair. They will never notice when you straighten it, highlight it, or cut off the split-ends. The same goes for grooming eyebrows, lotion, and curling your eye-lashes. The only people that notice all that shit are other girls.
10. The louder the bass system in your car, the bigger the douchebag you are. |
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| Tornadoz FTW |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|10:02 pm] |
Hey have you assholes been watching the news? I know some of you heard about the shitty weather here and you either a)didn't put 2 and 2 together or b) didn't care enough to shoot me a message.
So fuck all of you, this is my morning.
It was raining a whole bunch when I woke up. Fucking pouring. I go to class. And then I think, "Yeah I don't really want to be here." So I leave. Head home.
Turns out, there was a fucking tornado that hit RIGHT after I split from school. It ruined the mall across the street and sort of screwed up the campus. First tornado in this miserable place in 14 years.
And then to add to the hilarity, it destroyed a church, a daycare, and a bunch of houses in the ghetto. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
Oh and guess what else? On the way back home from class, I was behind a black car that had a "Che'lu" sticker on it. For those of who don't know, "che'lu" is Chamorro for...well, nobody fucking knows because nobody speaks Chamorro anymore, but it's a fun language to learn if you want to go into the bumper sticker business.* And I thought that it was kind of neat that somebody had that, but I wasn't sure if he was actually from Guam or not. Then I saw him hydroplane between lanes at 60 miles an hour before he ran a red light, and then I was positive that he was a real deal "che'lu."
*It means "brother," okay? Hafa prim leche atan baba talofofo umbre carl guiterrez pugua. |
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| Geography. |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|01:13 am] |
"Sonnyboy" is the name of a street here.
Across from it is a trailer church. Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like and it's just as horrible and the people that you would expect to go to it, do. A once mobile trailer is now a place of religious worship. God I'm so fucking homesick. At least in Guam, the churches sponsored cockfights. Not that I'm into church or cockfighting. I just miss home so much that I would rather watch a bird with razors attached to its talons kill another bird then have to deal with the fact that there's a trailer church where I live.
I mean, what the fuck? Florida, what the fuck?
I have a professor who is so old that his name is Blue. And get this, he teaches a computer class. He gets so amazed at the technology these days. He wheezes his complete fascination. "Mouses! OH MY. OH MY GOODNESS! They're not just a rodent anymore, oh no! You move your hand and OH MY! It's on the screen! It's moving!" He was going through the list of names and was absolutely stunned at what black folk are naming their children. "SHANIQUA! OH MY! SHA-KNEE-KWA! That's a new one! Oh, you kids and your rock and roll." |
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| how do i shot smack |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|01:53 pm] |
This is a list of things to expect when moving to Florida from some unknown piece of shit island, such as Guam:
1. There are a lot of white people.
2. There are a lot of black people.
3. White people don't like it when you greet them with, "SUP CRACKAAAAAAA?"
4. Black people don't like it when you greet them with, "Who let you out of the cotton field?"
5. People here care a lot about their hair. What the fuck is a diffuser.
6. Mainlanders love to fucking eat, don't they? I've never seen such a high ratio of fast food restaurants to land area in my life.
7. When you pay for something at the cash register, expect to pay a tax. Because there is a tax, okay? So don't accuse the poor cashier of ripping you off.
8. Wal-Mart is awesome. Nobody else will agree with you, since you come from a place where K-Mart was the big tourist attraction.
9. There is different breed of bimbo here. I thought that the airheads that you see on MTV exist soley on MTV. No, there really are skinny blonde white girls whose problems don't get any worse than "Oh. My. God. I'm 86 pounds?!"
10. Street signs! No more "take a left at the pugua tree, then you're at my own house." NO! It's "take a left on Davis, then take another left on 90, then a right off the cliff and bash your head on the rocks below because YOU'RE NEVER GOING HOME! EVER! YOU DIE HERE IN FLORIDA!" |
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| It's my birthday. |
[Jul. 18th, 2007|08:57 pm] |
I'm 19 today, so here is what you can do.
a) Post an image of old people making love. Lemonparty is not allowed.
b) Post an image of a cute animal. Lolcats not allowed. |
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| The Holocaust that is google advertisements. |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|03:01 am] |
I don't like it when online advertisements use your personal information to try and sell you something.
For instance, I have "Creed" listed in my userinfo interests because I hate them so goddamn much. You see, Livejournal, much like other online communities where they allow you to make a personal profile, don't include an "about me" section where you can list the stuff that irritates you, so I use the interests section for that instead. I even have a written explanation on that in my userinfo.
Well, Google decided to overlook that explanation, and that's why I saw this today:
Okay, a couple of things to bitch about here.
First off, I am sick of the ringtones. Everywhere I go, some asshole is trying to sell ringtones or claim that you can get them for free. People even hack myspace accounts to try and sell ringtones.
Secondly, what is the point of that guy's face? What the FUCK were these people THINKING when they came up with a marketing strategy to try and sell CREED RINGTONES? "WELL THIS GUY LOOKS PRETTY HARDCORE TO ME BECAUSE HE'S NOT SMILING AND HE HAS A LIPRING, MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BUY CREED RINGTONES NOW." I can't say it enough: I fucking hate people. |
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| Today |
[Jun. 12th, 2007|09:19 pm] |
We're getting a house!
It has a pool.
I drove on a highway and almost shit my pants.
Does anyone still read this thing. |
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| Carlos Mencia IS NOT FUNNY. |
[Jun. 2nd, 2007|03:05 pm] |
Why is Carlos Mencia still on TV?
I'll tell you. This is a typical Carlos Mencia joke:
"WETBACKS EAT TACOS AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE ALL STUPID AND EVERY BLACK PERSON IS A CRIMINAL DEE DEE DEE ASIANS HAVE SMALL PENIS!"
And this is how an average American responds to it:
"Wow, this Latino is really great! Not only did he get away with saying a racial slur on TV, he guilts me into laughing because he exploits stereotypes, and then rationalizes them, saying that it's all humor!"
Carlos Mencia is not humorous.
He once tried to make fun of Anna Nicole Smith by putting on a blonde wig and makeup, and then said, "I'M GOING TO DO A LOT OF DRUGS!" How much thought had to go into that joke? Nothing about that is funny or original. When are people going to realize that putting fat men in women's costumes isn't anything new?
Later on, in an attempt to be shocking and edgy, he called Steve Irwin an idiot. Why? Because he got stung by a sting ray. This pisses me off because Steve Irwin, as fruity as he was, did a bunch of useful shit in his career, and then died in a freak accident on the job. Carlos Mencia makes a living by making burrito jokes, and I think that karma should bite him in the ass by killing him while he chokes on a burrito. Maybe then I can finally laugh at Carlos Mencia. |
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| Gay people |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|04:04 am] |
I care about gay rights as much as I care about the rights of black people, illegal immigrants, and poor people: I don't.
I don't fucking care. And I don't think that anyone should really care.
There is nothing more ridiculous than someone who is a homophobe, okay?
I can remember having a conversation with someone who thought that gays shouldn't be allowed in the military. And when I aksed why, he answered, "Because I don't want faggots checking me out in the shower."
First of all, this guy was fat and had a huge gap in his teeth and his eyes sort of pointed in different directions. Fucking gross. How conceited is it to think that a gay would find him attractive when most women began to projectile vomit once they laid eyes upon him? It's also important to note that in my experience, homos are usually meticulous about personal hygeine and appearance. And it's important, do you understand? NOBODY LIKES AN UGLY PERSON, ESPECIALLY NOT A GAY.
God, and there's the whole gay marriage issue. I'm sure all of you are sick and tired of hearing everyone's self righteous stance on what God said and what defines a marriage, but seriously. WHO THE FUCK CARES IF FAGS AND DYKES GET MARRIED? (Obviously not to each other, but it'd make an interesting reality TV show.) How does it really affect you, the straight person? Unless gay people, upon getting married, transform into gigantic 8 legged monsters that eat the first born of every family in America, then there really is no fucking direct correlation with you and the common gay.
Gays not allowed to adopt kids? What's the reasoning behind that?
"O WELL THE KIDS MIGHT BE SCREWED UP!"
Fuck you. Kids in America are so fucked up today that it doesn't really make a difference if a gay couple raises the spawn of Satan.
Okay? So can we all just shut the fuck up about gay people? They're nothing special. I hear the latest hot topic is gun control, anyways. |
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| Ren. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|05:08 pm] |
This is Ren the Chihuahua.
He's here to save the day.
Joe calls him "Super Ren."
I have a livejournal friend named ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dekinakutesorry. |
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| Censorship rules! |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|07:03 pm] |
I'M A GIRL. I'M ASIAN. I'M A SHITTY DRIVER AND I HAVE ROAD RAGE.
So since I've gotten out of my "I'm a teenager behind the wheel so I should drive as fast and as recklessly as I can so I can get cool points +10" phase, I've started to drive with a little more caution and a little less speed. However, everyone else on the road has not followed suit, so it seems like I've always got some stupid looking H3 (yes, they're ugly as fuck and they're made for fat people) tailgating my ass.
And I know what's going on in that driver's head. He's thinking that because he's driving faster, he should get as close to me as possible to make me faster. It's good logic, you know, if you don't understand the basics of physics or had a smidgen of common fucking sense.
You know what I do? I slam on my fucking brakes because I don't know how to control my temper, okay? I haven't saved up enough money for the badass laser beam/torpedo system to the hood of my car. I haven't even saved up enough cash for a huge metal spike to replace my bumper. So I slam on my brakes and it scares that asshole and then I raise up my middle finger and yell, "YOU KIDS WITH YOUR CRAZY ROCK N' ROLL! SLOW DOWN!" It makes me feel better. |
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| Mr. Brown hihi fun |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|07:46 pm] |
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I hate fat people that stand in the way of the entrance to the bar. Whenever I have 10 fucking beers in my hands there is always some obese ho is standing in my way trying to dance. But then again, chicks who weigh more than 300 pounds always look like they're dancing, with their rolls of fat pulsating to the beat of the music. Some people like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|01:21 am] |
Poll #917020 Five bucks vs First Born
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 11Kamesha: I'll give you my first born. Or five bucks. whoa shit kamesha's a black person name it's still funny Moses with katanas for arms and legs and shurkiens for eyes and shoots rockets VS Grizzly bear with a shark on its back that shoots missles. Who wins and why. Chest hair! Check all that appry. TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN |
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| Saturday night is die. |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|12:11 am] |
Today I took a puppy to the vet. It wasn't my puppy. It was the puppy that belongs to the porn shop lady. She is Chinese and she really knows her porno, which makes her pretty hot except she has a daughter who is older than I am.
So LiLi comes up to me and she says, "I THINK LUCKY PREGANANT! HER SUSU IS A BIG AND MAKE MILK! ALSO, BARK BARK BARK LIKE ARR ARR ARRR ARR ARRR TO OTHER DOG! IS PREGNANT?"
It turns out that no, Lucky was not pregnant. She is going through a false pregnancy, which is just like a regular pregnancy except she's not going to shit out any baby Luckys (Luckies?) but still get fat and moody. Isn't that fucking nuts.
Have a great week! |
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| I've lost all ideas for posts. |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|06:41 pm] |
Poll #886652
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14Chuck Norris Vs. Stingray Better ending to a Kurt Cobain anectode: In your own words and not wikipedia's, what is the Green Party. What word do you use when you're talking about having sex! Check all that apply. |
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| Doctors vs. Policemen |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|05:27 am] |
I don't like cops.
It's a generalized statement, okay? I realize there are some honest, good-hearted policemen out there but I have not had a SINGLE experience with them where they solved the problem at hand in a concise manner. Let's go through three situations that happened to me THIS YEAR ALONE.
Situation 1: Apartment robbery.
Me: They broke in through the bathroom window and stole about $1000 worth of our stuff.
Cop: do u haev any suspects!
Me: Yeah, those people that run a meth lab across the street.
Cop: their not home right now but HERE IS A BLUE CARD.
Me: Are you going to dust for fingerprints? Check out other places? Get some witnesses?
Cop: miss i already gaev u a blue card! u can call us at anytime. our number is 9-1-1.
Situation 2: Tires slashed.
Me: (on the phone) Hi, all four of my car tires got slashed. I'm in the parking lot of ________. I'd like to get one of your officers down here before the auto-shops and towing companies close.
One and a half hours later (I'm dead serial), I called back.
Operator: O HAY our unit should b there in fifteen minitz!
Me: I can see your precinct from where I live. I'd really like to have someone down here because it's nighttime and I'M A GIRL ALONE IN THE PARKING LOT.
15 minutes later, the cop shows up on a motorcycle.
Cop: (shines flashlight on tires) is thiz ur vehicle?
Me: Yes.
Cop: they slashed ur tires???
Me: YES.
Cop: it looks like they used a knife, i gotta go, here is a blue card
Me: What am I going to do with a blue card?
Cop: if u find anything out about ur tirez plz give us a call.
Me: WTF M8!!
Situation 3: ATTACK
Cop: so they came into ur place, pushed u around, threatened to kill u, knocked u out, and split open ur head with a throwing knife, and that's when u called us for help.
Me: Yes.
Cop: and you tried to defend urself with a knife?
Me: Yes.
Cop: did u hurt any1
Me: No
Cop: WELL UR UNDER ARREST BIOTCH! GO TO JAIL GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLURS!
Cop 2: hay stop bleeding on my handcuffs
Okay? So that's my experience with cops. They are #1 on my "Occupations I'd rather not be around."
#2 on my list used to be doctors. USED TO. I've encountered a lot of assholes with stethescopes. I'm not too keen on how the medical system is outside of Guam, but here, it doesn't take a whole lot to incorrectly diagnose my mom with migraines and prescribe EXTRA STRENGTH tylenol when it was really a tumor the size of a baseball in her fucking brain. That was 9 years ago.
Today I went to the doctor to get my stitches removed, and let me tell you this: the worst thing you can possibly hear from a doctor when he is inches away from an open wound on your skull is "WHOOPS!"
I used to have 23 piercings in my body. I've had a lot of them taken out and put back in. I have 4 tattoos. I used to shoot up. I can do needles, okay? But FUCKING SHIT!
The nurse actually asked the doctor if he was supposed to use numbing ointment, you know, the same shit they put on your head when you first get the stiches put in. His reaction: "Oh yeah, we should've done that!"
But he gave me a bottle of Percocet, so I totally forgive him. He's a cool guy.
And you know what? Most doctors are pretty decent people. Let's compare them to policemen.
Doctors and policemen both help people, right?
Doctors can put you in stretchers, which are extremely comfortable.
Cops can put you in jail.
When you're in the hospital, you don't have to get out of bed to take a piss.
When you're in jail, you have to fight with your crackhead of a roommate to use the toilet in your cell.
Doctors give you drugs.
Cops take them away.
Doctors have stethescopes, and the cool metal on your tits feels good. Admit it.
Cops have guns. From what I've heard, those things shoot some fucking painful bullets.
Doctors have to go through a lot of school.
...We've all seen the Police Academy movies.
Doctors win! |
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